Friday, January 18, 2008

Depression's a Bitch

And her ugly stepsister, Anxiety, isn't much fun either. If you've never been depressed it's like trying to walk through mud up to your neck. It gets in your eyes too. It's hard to see things clearly, to believe that life is good or that you're good or that things will be any different than they are in that moment. On the days that depression takes a break there is Anxiety waiting to do her thing. You finally have some energy, but you are so worried about how things will turn out that you just can't seem to make a move. Every decision is enormous. Even the things that couldn't matter less feel like they are huge. So you get stuck. Who wouldn't? Just think of all the decisions you have to make every day, from what to wear to how to respond to someone or what to make for dinner. What if they all felt like they were important? Pretty overwhelming. Then you beat yourself up because you can't even get through the day to day things everyone else does with ease, and the negative thinking sends you right back into Depression's dark embrace.

Therapists have skills to teach to help you avoid getting sucked into the cycle, and that works great sometimes. Kind of like Harry Potter using his Patronus to avoid the Dementor's Kiss.* But then Life happens. Someone dies, you have to put your beloved pet to sleep, the inject/IUI fails, and you get the picture. It's damn hard not to slip and fall when those times come. I'm finally learning to be thankful when the time it takes for me to get back up is much shorter than it used to be. That bitch, Depression, would have me just see the negative, and Anxiety would have me believe that my life will always be this way and worry about how I haven't fully recovered. For today, at least, they can kiss off. I can see the light baby. I'm doing okay. I'm getting my CD3 bloodwork done Sunday and am that much closer to my follow-up with with Dr. Surrey at CCRM and getting my schedule in place for IVF!!

*If you haven't read the Harry Potter series, you should give it a try. I read the first several books when I taught elementary school so I could talk with the kids about them, but continued on because I really enjoyed them!


Searching said...

Depression and Anxiety have been in a constant battle with me for the last 15 years. Sometimes one of them wins, sometimes I do. Really depends on the hour, but I've survived so far. Pop lots of pills, but I am able to be a functioning member of society. I think ANYONE in your position would have all that crap to deal with. IF alone is awful, but when you start piling other things up on it, it can feel like nails in a coffin, trying to smother you. Totally sucks. I'm always available for a vent if you need it. searching_4_hope at yahoo dot com.

Let It Be said...

searching ~ I'm sorry you've been dealing with this crap for so long too. Thanks so much for stopping by. It helps to hear other people say it's normal or understandable. It's so easy to go into that "I must just be weak" type thinking. I may take you up on that offer to vent some time! ;)