Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Ghosts from Past Lives

No, I'm not talking about reincarnation. I'm talking about those times when people from a period in your life you were happy to leave behind are regurgitated into your present like some bad meal that didn't go down well the first time. In particular I'm thinking of high school. I know, some people just loved high school and are still BFFs with their childhood playmates. Well I'm not one of them. Come on, knowing that I'd been through a date rape, unplanned pregnancy and abortion turned miscarriage by the spring of my sophomore year did you really think I would be?

Here's the thing. I know given what I've shared of my story and not knowing me from Adam you could easily have this picture of me in your head that screams trailer trash, drop-out, sad, sad loser. Well, guess again. I've got a post graduate degree and was on to my second career at 30. The thing is that in high school I was also the cheerleading, honor student, president of the student council that never lacked a date. I kept my dark secrets to myself. After the harrowing incidents with the monster boyfriend I also became a big time party girl who drank and toked her way into sweet oblivion every chance she got just to try and forget. To forget what happened and to forget all the crap that was waiting for me at home. So while my classmates were voting me Most Likely to Succeed I was doing my best to duck out of life. Add this all to the fact that my parents moved me to a po'dunk hell of a tiny town at the beginning of junior high. A place where those planning on leaving for university at the end of their high school career were a minority. And now you know why once I got the hell out I never looked back.

Fast forward 10 years, and thanks, Mom, for giving my current phone number to anyone who asks for it. Do you not remember what that time of my life was like?! Well, it was a kind of weird Sybilesque dual existence, but really the dark side was the more real side. Isn't it always? I made it clear that I didn't wish to participate in a reunion. Well, maybe I made up some bullshit excuse because that annoying part of me that just wants to be liked does still crop up at the worst times. Plus the person that called was a sweet guy who I guess was considered a big nerd back then, but that I considered a friend. ---That was probably the other thing that made life hard in high school. I never could get with the whole ignorant, hateful clique thing and had friends from all groups. Of course, when you try to fit in with everyone you end up truly fitting in with no one. Hiding my secret shame probably didn't help my perception any. Why the hell would anyone really care about me?---

So, I dodged that 10 year bullet. It brought up the usual feelings of "has my life turned out how I thought it would"and all that crap, but didn't really bother me much. Unfortunately they came at me full force for the 20 year reunion. Yeah, 20 years! Aaaack! That sweet friend played my heartstrings and talked me into letting some people email me. I had a feeling the person who wanted to get in touch with me so much just wanted the scoop on what had happened with me. You know, "how's the girl who everyone thought would do so well really doing?" And "p.s. if her life sucks n0w then I'll look back on my high school years much more fondly b/c I won in the end!" I hate how petty girls and women can be. Did I trust my instincts? NO! So after an email or two, I got the "Wow, I thought you would have been a doctor or lawyer" some bullshit about how after her 1st son she had an ectopic and has been scared to try again so she can totally understand how I feel with all of these losses and NO KIDS, but so and so has a boy and a girl and so and so has two boys.... Then nothing.

Needless to say I didn't go to the reunion. It was in another state far away, and I would have been hard pressed to give an hour of my time to such an exercise, let alone an entire trip. I don't even have family there anymore. But of course that "sweet friend" called once again to tell me some footage from the reunion was up on You Tube. Curious idiot that I am I checked it out, and everyone looked so happy.

So, you ask, what's the big deal? People all over have a story like this. For starters the bitch who emailed me for her "scoop" and "shared my pain" over infertility and recurrent loss was so fucking pregnant she looked like she was about to pop the kid out on the spot! At 38, I've had so many people in my life pass me by with the having kids thing. However, at the time she was emailing me the reunion was only about 4 months away. Did she not know she was pregnant with her second child? Of course she did! That feeling of being duped, of trusting these people yet again ---( I won't even go into the backstabbing, lying, hurtful shit some of those girls put me through. If you haven't lived it I'm sure you've seen a bad high school movie or two.)--- and knowing that it was just for their sick gratification and that my infertility struggles were just gossip fodder for the reunion has left me reeling. Obviously. It's the middle of January, and the reunion was last summer. I don't know why I can't get over this. I know it's not true, but it just feels like everyone else got the kids and life they wanted, and I didn't. It really gripes my ass when I'm hurting and those who've hurt me in the past are happy as clams.

Does any of this make sense? Why do I torture myself? How do I just let it go?


Yoka said...

I wish the pain would go away one day. I am still waiting for this day. I talked to a highschool friend last night. She is pregnant with her second child, while I have nothing to show except two miscarriages and the beginning of an adoption.

Lost in Space said...

Once again, I totally understand where you are coming from. I, too, was the honor student, class president, prom queen, great athelete, and got the post graduate degree and amazing job. I seemed to have it all, but spent all my spare time eating and puking to make it all go away. I did go to my 10 year and it was fine. I know that so many of them think that I probably deserve something like infertility because they only saw all the "good" parts of my life. Sorry for the rant. I really just wanted to say that I understand. Hugs.